Disgusted
ameaston22
So, while everyone last week claimed to be an activist by supporting this whole Kony 2012 campaign (don't even get me started on that)....I was focused on why a white man hasn't been arrested for a hate crime in Florida. I posted the article on Facebook and NO ONE cared. This white man, who was the neighborhood watch captain, saw a black kid walking home and just assumed because he was black that he was up to trouble. He called 911, who advised him to wait for police to arrive. Instead of doing so, he got out of the car and shot the kid in cold blood. No one really knows what transpired to lead to him shooting the kid, but he claims self-defense. This is a joke. He was armed and in his car...he had no reason to feel threatened by a 17 year old walking home from the gas station, armed with nothing more than a can of iced tea and a bag of skittles. The police have no arrested him, claiming that he has a good record. Who the hell cares? So, because I've never committed any crimes before today that means that I can shoot a child for NO reason and go free? The fact that this issue has flown relatively under the radar is disgusting.  THIS WAS A CHILD!!!!  If someone shot my son and wasn't arrested, I don't even know what I would do. If this was a black man who shot a white child, then this would be a totally different scenario. It is likely the black man would be immediately put in jail, held without bail, and presumably sentenced to death. I urge each and everyone of you to get involved with this - call the police and tell them you are outraged, sign the petition to arrest George Zimmerman, share the news.....here is the link (http://www.change.org/petitions/prosecute-the-killer-of-17-year-old-trayvon-martin?utm_campaign=rjisaZqTpX&utm_medium=email&utm_source=action_alert
)

First Week
ameaston22
I've been in Moscow now over a week. It's been a pretty weird adjustment. The hardest part has been dealing with all this free time. I know that sounds really weird. I'm not used to this free time concept. For me, I am literally busy from the moment I wake up until the moment I tuck myself in at night. Here, I have this abundance of alone time. Because it's usually such a rarity, last week I felt like I constantly needed to be doing SOMETHING. I did a lot of coffee shopping, bar hopping, and restaurant eating. My classes didn't start until mid-week....so, yeah. Doing stuff alone can be REALLY boring. Honestly, I feel really lonely. I'm not used to being somewhere without a single friend. My roommate is awesome, but she doesn't drink (she's allergic!) and never goes out. I don't have a problem with this, but I really thought having a roommate in college would automatically give me a built-in margarita partner every now and then again. I went home this past weekend because I was missing my family SO much. I haven't been sleeping well here. Maybe it's because I'm not used to sleeping alone or I just can't let my guard down, but I went home and was passed out on the couch within the first hour. Sleeping with my husband after not having his snuggles for a week was glorious. I won't go home again until the 20th - mostly because the trip is so exhausting and time consuming (travel-wise). The kids got bored with me within minutes of me being home, which is kind of a good thing...this means they aren't traumatized by me being gone, I suppose. This week, I'll be home more. For one, I need to spend less money. For two, drinking really hurt my stomach last week. I don't think I've ever drank so much in one week. Not to say I went on a binge, but I am not used to having one or two drinks a night. Also, we have this amazing student rec center for free that I want to start using daily to kill some of this time that I suddenly have. Classes, like spinning and pilates, are offered for only 3 bux. This means I can attend 3 classes a week for less than what a membership would cost. However, tonight I was set on attending a spinning class and got two steps out of my door and was greeted by icy 20 mph wind and immediately went back to my apartment. My feet are my only transportation right now, so....this definitely makes things harder. I can't just be somewhere within 2 minutes and if the weather is bad, I have to think about coming home too. I don't want to be walking home at night, sweaty and in the middle of a blizzard. I start a new job calling donors and attempting to squeeze dollars out of their pocketbook at the end of this month. I am really anxious to start contributing financially. Having to support two households isn't cheap! Thank god tax season is near. 

(no subject)
ameaston22
This is my second full day in Moscow. Saturday was rough, as I had expected it would be. Saying goodbye to the kids went okay. The older kids were pretty much tired of me saying goodbye a million times and just wanted to get back to playing their games. Colton was much too excited by the arrival of his grandparents at our house to really be fazed by me leaving - also, he's much too young to understand what is really happening. After we unloaded all of my junk, we went to the sports bar to share a few drinks, and then out to dinner at a Chinese dive that I won't be visiting again anytime soon. As soon as we arrived back at my apartment, it hit me - Jeff was leaving me alone here. I wasn't going home with him. I started bawling like a baby. I had to make him leave so that I didn't do something stupid - like cling to his legs like a child and beg him not to go. My roommate wasn't here on Saturday, so the apartment was super quiet. I could hear water dripping and the neighbors upstairs. It was so weird. Jeff called me the second he got home, which immediately prompted sobs. I was in a pretty dark place. After unpacking, I curled up in bed and watched my favorite guilty pleasure shows. Yesterday wasn't bad. I woke up feeling a lot more optimistic and upbeat. I walked to the campus and found all the buildings that I need and then met with my sister for lunch. I found the sports bar and watched the Denver playoff game and then even found my way home. My roommate was pretty tired when she got home and pretty much went straight to bed, but just having her here relaxed me SO much. I was able to sleep like a rock. Today I got my student ID and have my first job interview in YEARS. Basically, the position is trying to squeeze money out of potential donors via phone calls. I really don't mind and it would be a good way to fill some of this extra time that I suddenly have and make a little extra cash. It's only ten hours a week so it's not a huge commitment. I'm not really quite sure how the interview went. I was super nervous and even told the young ladies that...I didn't exactly come across as super confident, but I wanted to be honest. i guess it helps that I don't exactly NEED this job. The bills will still get paid without it. I just sat in a trendy coffee shop, sipping on delicious hot cocoa and reading a zombie novel...I am feeling more and more like a college student every day. My classes start on Wednesday - I seriously can't wait, how weird is that? 

catch ya on the flip side
ameaston22
There is no turning back now. As I type this, my husband is dismantling my bike and loading boxes into the back of our car. Tomorrow morning is the beginning of a new adventure. As I write this, my heart aches. I can’t even begin to describe how much I will miss my family, even my rambunctious basset hounds. The thought of a quiet apartment and an empty bed is daunting. I am expecting a very rough first night. Today I was quite grumpy with everyone – I think it was my way of trying to deal with the emotional turmoil of leaving. When I think about saying goodbye to my husband tomorrow, I feel the sobs building up in my throat. When I think about hugging and kissing the kids before we set out in the morning, I just want to rush out and unpack all those damn boxes. I keep trying to think positive thoughts. I’m trying to remain focused on WHY I am doing this. A big part of me is guilty for also being excited. As a young mama, I never really got to experience the “college life”. For the past nine years, I haven’t had more than a few random days “off” here and there. I wonder what I will learn about myself. I know that my husband is a strong man and he can hold down the fort in my absence. He’s an amazing man and I am eternally grateful that he is giving me this opportunity to fulfill my dream of completing my education. Most men would not allow their wives this kind of experience. I am incredibly lucky for this beautiful family of mine. We may have our dysfunctional moments, but our household is one full of love.

I just wonder what I am going to do without this face every morning.


moscow bound soon
ameaston22
I leave for Moscow this Saturday. As the time approaches, I get more and more nervous. I've never lived alone, without a car, in an unfamiliar city. Increasingly so, I get these spells of intense sadness. I worry about my first night there. My roommate is out of town until Sunday. My husband is basically driving me down there, helping me get settled, taking me out to dinner, and then heading home. I will be in this apartment that I've only spent minutes in...all alone. It will be dark, so it's not like I can just go out and explore the city. I've spent nights without my husband before, sure. However, this seems so...permanent. It's just weird. I guess it's beginning to hit me. This plan has been in the works for years, but I don't think it ever hit me that it was going to happen. Today I was packing my underwear of all things and I realized that somewhere else will be my "home" for five months. I'll be home as many weekends as I can, but still.... I worry the most about Colton. I will miss all my children, but Colton is still just a baby to me. I am terrified he will stop thinking of me as his mommy. Toddlers change so fast and I hate thinking I will be missing anything. I feel so guilty. People look at me strange when I tell them I have to complete my schooling in Moscow, three hours away. The question is always, "What about your children?!?" People think it's bizarre that a mother would leave her children for a few months and I guess I can't blame them...but don't men do this all the time? Single women are everywhere raising their children. Married women have husbands that leave their families to enter into the military. Why is it so unbelievable that my husband will be holding down the fort? Should I just throw my hands up in the air and give up on my education because I have to spend time away? I'll be spending this Spring and next Spring away - ten months. Almost a year. But in the grand scheme of things, when I am done with my degree, I am hoping our entire family will be better off. If I can just land a job making what my husband does, we can get out of debt (within a couple years excluding student loans) and be "comfortable" if not "well off". I have so many thoughts floating around in my head right now. I think it will be a sleeping pill type night.

(no subject)
ameaston22
My husband is seriously the most amazing man in the entire world. For Christmas, he bought me plane tickets to visit my best friend in Portland. He made sure that it would be on a long weekend (President's Day) so that I wouldn't have to miss school. He told me when I unwrapped the gift, "I thought you'd need a break after being a month and a half into a new semester." Me? A break? He's going to be the one stuck at home with the three hooligans while I'm away studying. I can't believe how selfless he is sometimes.

(no subject)
ameaston22
In two weeks, I'll be basically living in a different city for five months. To finish my degree, I have to spend two semesters in Moscow so that I can take upper division courses at the University of Idaho campus. I am SO close, I can almost taste that diploma. I finished the semester with straight A's, which was a miracle considering all the shit that i went through this term. I think my spinning teacher gave me an A out of pity...or because she didn't even know my name. I can't even focus on Christmas when I know that I have this huge change coming up. I have an apartment down there with a roommate. I've never had a roommate. Ever. Let alone a roommate that is a complete stranger. So many things to figure out - do i label kitchen goods? i really don't care if she steals some of my lucky charms. what about our pooping schedules? i am introverted and worried she'll be offended when i spend most of my time in my room, studying or listening to records. i am going to be down there without a car, which means walking EVERYWHERE. being that i've spent very little time in Moscow, there is going to be a learning curve. i got lost just walking around the campus, which is HUUUUGGE. i mean it takes up several city blocks and there are no campus maps ANYWHERE, which is ridiculous right? my older sons are going to be in oregon next week and my husband has ten days off starting tomorrow. it's going to be such a relaxing, quiet week. i've been drinking. a lot. i need to start taking care of my body - stop eating so much junk and poisoning it with alcohol. i feel groggy and tired a lot and i know that's why. my weight is the lowest it's ever been (136) and now i feel i have more weight issues than ever because i'm terrified of it creeping back up. i swear i stare at my stomach after every feast. anyway...i'm hoping to get a new tattoo on my shoulder before i leave and get my nose pierced. i feel rebellious, like i need a change!

Here I am...
ameaston22
Last Monday, I started cramping. Like really cramping – labor contractions, knowing something is wrong cramping. I woke up in the middle of the night in so much pain that it took my breath away. The next day the cramping dulled, but didn’t disappear. I wasn’t bleeding and I was scheduled for an ultrasound Thursday so I decided to tough it out, knowing there wasn’t any miracle that could be performed. When they called to reschedule my ultrasound appointment, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer to set an emergency appointment especially considering I’d lost three days of sleep due to these hideous pains. We went to the doctor on Thursday and were told the baby stopped progressing, that the baby was the same size as a few weeks ago and there were no fetal heart tones, which should’ve been evident by 10 weeks. Unfortunately, my body wasn’t successful at completing the miscarriage and I had to shove four pills up my wa-hoo that night. By Friday morning, I was “really” miscarrying. Saturday, I was starting to feel semi-normal again. I was able to pull myself out of bed and do some homework and chores even. However, Sunday I woke up and was feverish, sore, and just plain feeling like shit. We called the doctor and she told me that she thinks I’ve developed a mild infection and now I’m on antibiotics too. I’m still cramping and in pain PLUS now I’m so weak that I can’t even get out of bed. I tried to go to school today, but it was an utter failure. I went to two classes and spent most the of class period shifting uncomfortable in my seat and dreading that I was soaking through my jeans. Emotionally, I’m a rollercoaster. We didn’t really plan for this baby so in a way, it’s almost a relief. I’ll be gone for four months for a semester in a town 3 hours away. Thinking about being away from my family until I was seven months pregnant was not a pleasant thought. Plus, I have another semester to complete down in Moscow next year too, which would’ve had to be put on hold with a new baby. Also, there is the financial aspect of having another baby…..BUT we started to become attached to the idea of having another baby. We started calling the baby “her”, told our family, and even our kids. Everyone was excited. I’ve felt numb, sad, disbelief, and even angry. It doesn’t help matters that there are these complications that leave me bed-ridden and further delay me from feeling and being normal. I just want to throw myself back into my old routine of chores, homework, and classes….whoever thought? I want to watch Christmas movies with the boys and make holiday packages of fudge. I want to take the kids to see the Muppet movie and to visit with Santa at the mall. I want to type a paper – yes, I’m in so much pain that I can’t even type a paper. It took me 30 minutes to put this together because I can only sit up to write one paragraph a time. The only good thing about this whole ordeal is Jeff getting a major crash course in being a mama and a papa. He’s literally had to do EVERYTHING the past 2 weeks. I am so incredibly lucky to have him. Can you believe that he actually will put on and take off my socks for me when I’m hot or cold? He comes in our bedroom every 45 minutes to put a new episode on of whatever I’m watching on Netflix because I can’t seem to get up. He makes sure that I’m taking my antibiotics and pain pills plus making dinner, helping with homework, and putting kids to bed. I swear, if I didn’t realize it before, I realize now that he’s seriously the best husband in the world.

All I have to say....
ameaston22
is that i did NOT miss morning sickness. i was feeling fine up until about two days ago and now it's hit me full on like a ton of bricks. the wave of nausea is never ending. so much for spinning today.

(no subject)
ameaston22
I endured my first bout of wonderful morning sickness during spinning class this morning. It was awesome. I'm hoping baby bean can deal with one month of spinning because that is all I have left for this class, which is required for my degree. Since I was focused on losing weight before discovering that I was pregnant, I was eating a lot less than usual. I've had to totally revamp my diet and throw calorie caution to the wind. Of course, I'm not gorging myself on McDonald's but I'm not exactly eating just a lean pocket for lunch anymore. My new favorite breakfast is peanut butter oatmeal with honey and sliced bananas....can you believe that I've never made oatmeal that wasn't from an instant package before last night? How sad. I've already got my prenatals and folic acid started, but now I just have to wait patiently for my first appointment which is November 8th. I think we're going to wait to tell our families on Thanksgiving when everyone's gathered together.

I'm pretty damn sure I aced two tests this week: Statistics and Chemistry. I am taking the rest of the week off to relax. I might even shove in a couple donuts here and there.

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